The Cowboys of LAX

FROM CAP'N MERYL

Link to this week's column at USAToday.com/travel:

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/columnist/getline/2005-04-25-ask-the-captain_x.htm

"The Cowboys of LAX"

This was my one week off during the month, so I
had the luxury of actually sleeping in the same
bed for a few nights in a row. Always a treat.

I'm writing this on the Friday prior to
publication, and as of now it looks like I'll be
flying domestically starting on Sunday for several
days, but it's too early to tell for sure. I'm
thinking Europe or Hawaii sounds like a lot more
fun, but my airline has the discourtesy to oblige
me take flights where they need me to go as
opposed to where I'd prefer to go. Now that's
just rude. In any case, we'll see, and I'll let
you know next time where I wound up.

Last night marked the debut of my "Ground School
for Passengers" which I decided to produce after I
discovered the majority of the questions I get
through my "Ask The Captain" column at
USAToday.com have their roots in fear and anxiety.
I'm happy to report I had very resounding positive
feedback. The recording of last night's
Teleseminar is available now on CD. You can see
more information about it at
www.flyingfearless.com . Look toward the bottom
when you get there.

Before I tell you my cowboy story, I want to let
you know about a friend of mine named John
Halliday, a B-767 soon-to-be-retired captain for
American Airlines. Al The Web Guy just created a
website for John to help promote his book "Flying
Through Midnight," due out later this year. I hope
you'll have a look and be sure to check out the
review by John Nance, Aviation Consultant for ABC
News, former Braniff and Alaska Airlines pilot,
dynamic public speaker, best-selling author of
several novels including some which have been made
into mini-series, and my own mentor and friend.
It's a really stunning review. John Hallidays
website is:
www.flyingthroughmidnight.com

Also, a new link has been added to my Favorite
Links page at my site at fromthecockpit.com. Check
out: http://seatshark.com "Where frequent Flyers
reveal the best airlines and give air travel
tips." You're welcome to submit comments about
your own favorite--or least favorite---airline by
clicking
here: http://www.seatshark.com/review.htm.

Okay, so what could the title of this week's
Update POSSBLY mean? Because I have nothing of
particular interest to write about this week, I
thought I'd tell you another story from my past,
and it goes like this:

In the mid eighties, after I was flying for United
and based in San Francisco, I was still actually
living in Anchorage, Alaska and commuted home
between trips. Sometimes I'd fly on United or
Alaska Airlines, but many times I flew on Flying
Tigers. They were all-cargo airplanes in the main
cabin, but upstairs there was just an open deck
with some bunk beds against the bulkhead along
with four widely-spaced seats in a row straight
across. You want roomy? We're taking roomy!
Flying Tigers was my #1 favorite way to travel.
They also had the most non-stop flights.

Flying Tigers was very gracious to their guest
pilots and the first time I ever flew with them, I
awoke from a snooze in the bunk to find a captain
with a linen napkin over his arm and a breakfast
tray with hot pancakes, orange juice, hot coffee
and a few other goodies perched on his hand. He
said, "Breakfast is served, Madam!"

Tigers always put meals on for their jumpseaters
(we were referred to as jumpseaters even though we
didn't actually occupy the cockpit jumpseats).
They certainly were under no obligation to do so,
but they always did and us pilot-commuter-types
always appreciated it.

Flying Tigers also flew MAC or Military Airlift
Command Charters, and a different configuration
had about twenty seats upstairs. Sometimes I
would find myself among a group of flight
attendants headed to or from a charter, and they
just assumed I was one of them. That was just
fine with me.

Once there was a curator from the San Francisco
Zoo riding along. Downstairs there was a baby
hippo that was being gifted, as I recall, to a zoo
in Korea. She took me downstairs and I had the
pleasure of bottle feeding the baby.

Yet another time, when I flew on Tigers from
Anchorage to New York to get a case of Nathan's
Hot Dogs to bring back for a displaced and highly
disgruntled New Yorker living in Anchorage, there
was a load of chickens on board. My long distance
hot dog run is mentioned in "The World At My
Feet," but what I didn't mention was there was a
load of chickens on board on the ride back from
New York. We could hear them all the way upstairs
and, oh yes, we could smell them.

But what about the cowboys? Well, one time, when
I was waiting for a ride once again on Flying
Tigers from LAX to ANC (Los Angeles to Anchorage)
I was hanging around the dispatching area and
overheard that some horses were being shipped on
my flight. So I meandered out to the airplane
with interest to watch the loading process. My
own United flight, one I had just worked, had
terminated at LAX and it was time to go home to
Anchorage again.

These weren't just ordinary horses, as it
happened, but included some prized race-horses. So
what do you imagine might have happened? Yep, one
of the race-horses got loose on the airfield. LAX
has two sets of east-west facing runways, one set
south of the control tower and another set north
of the tower. The entire south complex had to be
shut down while the horse was rounded up.

Because he did not stay on the paved areas, the
handlers decided it would be best to go after him
on horseback and saddled up three of their other
horses. These were not racehorses, apparently,
but other horses which were being transported
along with the racehorses.

I had a clear view of what had to be one of the
most surreal scenes at one of the world's busiest
airports. The scene which unfolded before me
absolutely mandated that I have some buttered
popcorn on hand while I enjoyed the show, but
there was none to be had, unfortunately. When I
think of it today, the whole scene reminds me of
the movie "City Slickers."

Although it was a potentially dangerous thing for
this horse to be on the loose in unfamiliar
territory, the "cowboys" were clearly enjoying
themselves during this impromptu roundup, even
emitting a number of "ya-hoos!" and other
cowboy-like noises. Unbelievable but really,
really funny to watch. All the guys (I think they
were all guys) in the tower watched the whole
thing through binoculars.

Every airplane on final approach was issued a
"go-around" clearance so while these men were
having a good ole time on the ground playing
cowboy, the air was filled with jets screaming
overhead. The horse was ultimately captured, of
course, and I believe mildly sedated to calm him
down.

If the term "Urban Cowboy" hadn't already been
taken, I would have invented it then. For now I'm
settling for "The Cowboys of LAX."

Just another nugget from my deep and mysterious
but highly-amusing-at-times-past.

Until Next Time,
Maintain Airpseed!
Cap'n Meryl
www.flyingfearless.com

FIFO Theory

FROM CAP’N MERYL

Link to this week’s column at USAToday.com/travel:

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/columnist/getline/2005-04-18-ask-the-captain_x.htm

The “FIFO” Theory – And Why It DOESN’T WORK

Thanks to all of you who responded to my
invitation to come to my first Teleseminar for
Fearful Flyers. If you have not visited
www.flyingfearless.com yet I hope you’ll do so
now. You can order my Free Report from the site
and get all the details regarding my Teleseminar
at the introductory price. It’s not too late to
sign up for this coming Thursday’s Teleseminar.
Keep in mind I don’t sell anything without a 100%
Money-Back Guarantee if you’re not happy. I’ll be
doing some major press releases in the very near
future but so far, the word is out exclusively to
those of you who subscribe to my Weekly Update.

Before I start this week’s Update, I want to give
you a link to another female pilot’s site. She is
Canadian Bettina Jenkins Bathe, who’s written a
series of children’s books about “Violet The
Pilot.” Violet flies different airplanes and has
different adventures in different locales like
Maui, France and Canada.

Bettina wrote this series in order to be able to
leave something behind when giving talks in
children’s schools. In memory of her father, who
recently passed away, $1 from the sale of each
book goes to the Heart and Stroke Foundation. So
I hope you’ll visit Violet the Pilot at

www.violetthepilot.com This new link and
Bettina’s phone number are also available on the
Favorite Links button at fromthecockpit.com.

Another, unrelated site you may want to visit is:

www.sleeptravel.com if you have trouble sleeping
on airplanes. I have trouble sleeping on
airplanes, but I’m not SUPPOSED to sleep on
airplanes, at least not while I’m working. But
people love these products so I thought I’d pass
the information along.

On another note, apparently the women controllers
of Shanwick Oceanic, located in Scotland, were off
the day the pictures were taken for my new Album
“Worldwide Air Traffic Controllers” so I hope
you’ll have another look if you’d like to meet
Fiona and Cheryl, along with Jasper, Peter and
Alan.

Click here:
http://www.fromthecockpit.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=16&pos=2

Okay, so what is “FIFO” in the title of this
Weekly Update? First of all, it’s pronounced like
the middle two words of “Fee-FIE-FOE-Fum” as in
“Jack in the Beanstalk.” It’s actually an acronym
for two things which are aviation-related.

The first one is the “First In First Out” rule
which applies to reserve pilots like myself. That
is, when I’ve finished a flight and am back at my
home base of Chicago, I go back on the reserve
list again. Whichever pilot got in first is the
next one to leave. I guess that makes sense,
right? It actually says “Reserve FIFO List” at
the top of the reserve pilots’ list so we can all
see who’s next in line.

But there is another, lesser known meaning, and
that is the “Fly-In, Fly-Out” theory, the more
full translation being, “If the jet flew in, the
jet will fly out.” Sounds good, but it isn’t
necessarily true, and I was reminded of it TWICE
this week while flying domestic routes between
Chicago, Denver and San Francisco. Not good, but
everything worked out okay.

One of my column readers asked how come an
airplane can fly in, sit there for hours, and then
suddenly have a mechanical problem which surfaces
just in time to make the flight late or even
causing the flight to cancel. How come the
problem isn’t detected long before it’s time to go
again? Yeah! How come!

It’s like this: You know how you get home at
night and your car worked just fine, and then you
go out in the morning to find a tire flat? Or the
battery dead? Or the battery’s fine but the car
just won’t start? So how come you didn’t detect
the problem when you got home?

I think the answer is fairly obvious: the tire
hadn’t yet gone flat or you simply didn’t see it
was going flat, the battery hadn’t yet gone dead
and you didn’t try to start the car until you were
ready to drive away in the morning, so that is
when you detected the problem.

When an airplane shuts down, the electrical system
goes from being powered directly by the engines to
either the airplane’s APU (Auxialiary Power Unit)
or to a GPU (Ground Power Unit) which is not part
of the aircraft’s systems, and during these power
transfers all sorts of unpleasant things can
happen, but they’re things that may not arise
until the aircraft is under its own power once
again.

Modern jets are mostly writhing masses of various
computers, and electrical “gremlins” can cause
signals to become mixed or crossed or whatever and
things can and do get out of whack. Sometimes a
reboot of a particular system or even the whole
airplane fixes a problem like this, and sometimes
just switching the power from one source to
another does the trick. This is a favorite
“trick” in the Airbus in particular that works the
majority of the time. (The Airbus is sometimes
referred to as “the electric jet.”)

But there are other things that can and do go
wrong as well besides electrical weirdnesses. On
one of my flights this week a flight attendant
went to “disarm” a door after we pulled into a
jetway. Remember that all our doors are also
emergency exits and that slides will inflate when
they’re opened. These doors are “armed” to deploy
those slides any time we’re not parked at a gate.

On this occasion, the flight attendant reported to
us pilots that she was unable to disarm the door
after we parked, so we called maintenance. The
mechanics/technicians (I’m never sure anymore
which is the correct term) discovered that a piece
had broken somewhere inside the door and the
entire door would have to be dismantled and the
slide re-rigged. This would take several hours—at
least.

Fortunately, a substitute airplane was provided
and we went on our way a little late, but no real
harm done and all connections made. I went into
the boarding area and explained the situation
directly to our passengers, a move they seemed to
appreciate a great deal (not to mention the agents
appreciated it.)

In another case—and this also happened this past
week when I flew only domestic trips—I literally
had my hand on the parking brake to release it for
pushback when the flight attendants called the
cockpit on the interphone. The oxygen masks above
a row way in the back of the airplane dropped out
of their compartment without provocation and for
no apparent reason. Hey, it happens.

It takes about 15-20 minutes for a mechanic to
repack the masks, but in this case, the passengers
were moved to an empty row and, because nobody was
sitting in the affected row any longer, it was
legal to defer this item until the next flight.
(The masks were taped into place but again, plenty
of masks were available for everyone on the
airplane, and plenty of extras as well.)

And THAT is why the wonderful “If it’ll fly in
it’ll fly out” theory is just that—a theory. A
very, very GOOD theory—but it doesn’t apply to
airplanes. Or cars. Or anything else that we
humans have had anything at all whatsoever to do
with.

And there you have it! The wild, wonderful,
absolutely worthless “FIFO THEORY OF FLIGHT.”

Until Next Time,

Maintain Airpseed!

Cap’n Meryl

www.flyingfearless.com

“Ode To A Jellyfish”

FROM CAP’N MERYL

Link to this week’s column at USAToday.com/travel:


http://www.usatoday.com/travel/columnist/getline/2005-04-11-ask-the-captain_x.htm

“Ode To A Jellyfish”

Before I start this week’s update, I have a
special announcement to all my readers. A very
large percentage of the questions I get through my
website and through my“Ask The Captain” column at
USAToday.com have their roots in fear. In
addition, a great many people worldwide have
written to me regarding their anxiety, which
ranges from severe aviophobia to mild anxiety
about flying. Others have written expressing a
desire to hear me as a speaker.

To all of those ends I’ve decided to launch a
Teleseminar—a seminar by phone— for fearful or
just interested passengers. There will also be a
CD set of one of these Teleseminars. Buying the
CD set entitles you to attend one or more
Teleseminars at no extra charge. Likewise,
attending one or more Teleseminar entitles you to
a CD set. Once you attend the Teleseminar once,
you are always welcome back at no extra charge,
and there is also no extra charge for others in
your household to listen in.

I have only the first one scheduled at this time,
for Thursday, April 21 at 5:00 PM Pacific Time
(8:00 PM Eastern) but more date and time choices
will follow as my flying schedule permits. I’ll
be moving the times around on different dates to
allow flexibility among the different time zones.

Please see all the details at my new site:
www.flyingfearless.com.

Also, I want to let you know about a brand new
Album in my Photo Gallery called “Worldwide Air
Traffic Controllers.” A Shanwick Oceanic Control
Supervisor named Brian Pritchard and I have been
in contact for some time, so I asked for some
pictures of the controllers at work and have
posted two pictures of controllers and one of
Brian. Shanwick Oceanic is in Scotland and is
usually the first point of contact for us when we
fly from the U.S. to Europe. To go directly to
this new album click here:

http://www.fromthecockpit.com/gallery/thumbnails.php?album=16

And now, about this week, but let me start with my
second trip first, which was a little different
from the scheduled passenger routes we normally
fly as airline pilots. My copilot and I deadheaded
(flew as passengers) from Chicago to Atlanta,
where we switched over to a Delta Regional Jet to
Lafayette, Louisiana, where a driver picked us up
and drove us to a small airfield half an hour away
where we picked up a newly painted B-777 which we
then ferried to Denver. Sound like a long day?
Oh, yes. We could have made it to Europe in less
time.

Painting an airplane is actually part of the
maintenance of an airplane as it keeps the
corrosion down. If it sounds like a kick ferrying
a completely empty airplane—it is. The company
that painted the airplane provided us pilots not
only with a picnic lunch to enjoy on our way back
to Denver, but a gift box for each of us with some
Cajun goodies inside—locally made Tabasco sauce,
Jambalaya and Gumbo mixes and some other items.

My week started, however, with a trip to Kona, the
same Chicago-Maui-Kona-Chicago flight sequence I
flew last Christmas Eve. If you missed my Weekly
Update for that trip or want to review it, all my
Weekly Updates may be found at
www.fromthecockpit.com and clicking on the
“Blogger” button. The last update I wrote about
Kona is the one dated Dec. 2004.

These days, I have standing invitations in many of
the cities I fly to. It’s not that often I get to
accept due to the uncertainty of my schedule as a
reserve pilot, layover hours, etc.

This trip was different and I met up with a
delightful couple in Kona—-Tom and Judy Leone--who
treated me to a lovely dinner upon arrival in
Kona. They seemed to know everyone at our layover
hotel and the Sous-Chef, an old friend of theirs,
came over to greet them and even treated us to a
free appetizer.

We dined outside at the layover hotel with a
gorgeous sunset view. So thanks, Tom, Judy and
James the Sous-Chef! Look for their pictures in
the Hawaii Album along with that sunset:

http://www.fromthecockpit.com/gallery/thumbnails.php?album=5

I also added some new shots of Maui to the Hawaii
album from the air along with pictures of my two
copilots. Our primary, flying copilot was Jim
Bair and our relief pilot was Joe Delene. Both
are former Navy aviators, had never met before,
and it turns out they live less than ten miles
away from each other in Wisconsin. They’re both
great guys and it made for some nice flying. You
may also find them in the Hawaii Album. The new
photos are mixed in with the old but are all dated
April 2005.

When I get to my hotel room after a long day, I
tend to jump in the shower and either go out or go
to sleep. I don’t often turn on the TV but I
should have on this occasion. Had I done so, I
might have been alerted to the fact that Hawaii
was experiencing an influx of jellyfish to the
extent that Hanama Bay (Island of Oahu) and some
other areas were closed to the public.

But no, off I went in the morning to my favorite
snorkeling spot. Maybe you can guess what
happened. In any case, the following poem should
enlighten you. You could say I got myself into a
“jellyfish jam,” if you’ll pardon the horrific
pun.

If you’d like to hear me read this original poem,
there is an audio link here:
www.fromthecockpit.com/jellyfish.htm



ODE TO A JELLYFISH


A jellyfish named Ernie
Was floating in the sea.
The day was dark and cloudy
He was bored as he could be.

The little fish who shared his cove
And sometimes stopped to play
Were all in school, but he would meet them
Later on that day.

For now he waited hopeful
That soon the tide would bring
Something that would make his day—
Something he could sting.

And then he saw her swimming
Not too far away.
“She’s just the thing I’m looking for
My quota for the day!”

His mom had taught him early
His goal in life was clear:
His tendrils could cause mischief
When swimmers came too near.

And so our friend named Ernie
Who was seemingly adrift
Was actually laughing to himself
About his “thoughtful” gift.

Our unsuspecting swimmer
Continued on her way.
She’d no idea that she’d been stung
‘Til later on that day.

“What on earth!” she cried
When she discovered she’d been had,
But a jellyfish named Ernie
Was very, very glad.

For jellyfish don’t get out much
There’s not a lot to do.
In fact the only fun they have
Is stinging me and you.

So Ernie, glad to know ya’
If we meet again some day,
I trust you’ll understand it
When I swim the other way.



Until Next Time,
Maintain Airpseed!
Cap’n Meryl

Singapore Sling

FROM CAP’N MERYL

Link to this week’s column at USAToday.com/travel:


http://www.usatoday.com/travel/columnist/getline/2005-04-04-ask-the-captain_x.htm

“Singapore Sling”

What fun to fly around the planet as a way to earn
a living, and what a full week. First was the
commute from Denver to Chicago to spend the night,
The next day it was on to Tokyo for a layover.

That was on the Saturday before Easter. By the
time we crossed the International Dateline into
Easter Sunday, it was late in the evening so we
pretty much missed the holiday altogether.
Fortunately, thinking ahead, I left Al the Web Guy
with a nice stash of Easter goodies.

My copilot this trip was none other than
Laen(pronounced “Lane”) August. Many of you
already “know” Laen as he flew with me once before
as relief pilot on a military charter to the
Middle East. Here’s his picture from the charter
we flew together and there are some new pictures
of him as well in a different section which I’ll
tell you about in a little bit:

http://www.fromthecockpit.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=topn&cat=&pos=2

We were joined by our two relief pilots, Bob
Sweeney and Roger Laitres, in Flight Operations to
plan our flight. You’ll find their pictures as
well in a new Album in the Photo Gallery.

I’ve been to Tokyo several times recently, but the
last time I visited Singapore was in the late
eighties when I was Al the Web Guy’s Copilot on
the DC-10.

Singapore lies just 1 degree north of the equator
or about 60 miles. It’s hot and sweaty pretty much
all year round.

Bob and Roger, our relief pilots, got off in
Tokyo, laid over, then headed back to Chicago as
the relief pilots on another flight while Laen and
I headed down to Singapore—just two of us this
time. Flight time was 7 hours 17 minutes.
Anything over eight hours requires a relief pilot,
and anything over twelve hours requires two relief
pilots. So we were on our own from Tokyo to
Singapore and back.

Taking off out of Tokyo it was quite rough but
smoothed out soon enough and we had a great ride
the rest of the way. Part way down the moon rose
over my left shoulder illuminating the
Philippines. What a beautiful sight, those
islands in the moonlight.

The earthquake in Indonesia that you may have read
about occurred about 400 miles from Singapore.
We were on the crew bus between the airport and
the hotel in Singapore when it hit just after
midnight and we were unaware that it had happened,
but the hotel staff felt it. There was no damage
locally although there was devastating damage in
Indonesia.

The next morning I decided to visit the bird park
and took the subway to get there. When I arrived
at the station, I saw my train was leaving in just
two minutes and was rushing, trying to figure out
how to get my ticket from a GTM or General Ticket
Machine, which was really quite straightforward.

I asked a girl at an information booth what time
the next train was in case I fooled around too
long and missed this one, picturing a wait of
several hours. I needn’t have worried. “Next
train in seven minutes.” I forgot. This was
Singapore. Very clean. Very efficient. Very
no-nonsense and at the same time very exotic.

After the subway ride of almost a half hour, half
of which was above-ground, I had to transfer to a
bus. It was a very old, unconditioned down-home
two-storey affair with some colorful locals on
board.

I asked the driver to let me off at the bird park
but he forgot. Several passengers very helpfully
screamed at him to let me off after he’d passed
the entrance. I trudged through a little bit of
jungle to get back where I needed to go, just
waiting for something scary to come swinging out
of a tree or slithering through the grass, but
thankfully that didn’t happen and I got to the
entrance just fine.

This seems like a good time to inject a little
info about the new album I’ve added to my Photo
Gallery called Chicago – Tokyo – Singapore. It
could really be divided into three parts: The
flight from Chicago to Tokyo, including some nice
shots of my crew and of Alaska, then some new
aerial shots around Narita Airport, then the
birdie park. It should be easy to skip over groups
of photos you think might not interest you. In any
case, please click here to get right to this new
album:

http://www.fromthecockpit.com/gallery/thumbnails.php?album=15

After I returned from the bird park I went to the
famous Raffles Hotel which is basically next door
to our layover hotel. Al the Web Guy and I went
there years ago and it looked about the same, the
prices as exorbitant as ever.

The bar at the Raffles Hotel is the birthplace of
that famous drink known as the Singapore Sling,
made with gin, lemon juice, cherry brandy and
carbonated water.

I’m not a drinker so I had a look but didn’t stay.
On the way out, I met a British couple and asked
if they’d had Singapore Slings. I could see that
everyone in the whole place was drinking them.
The gentleman answered “Oh, yes!”

“And how was it?” I asked.

“Bloody awful!” was his cheerful reply.

“Really? What did it taste like?” I ventured to
ask.

He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Like I’d
expect battery acid to taste if you mixed it with
vinegar.” He added as an apparent afterthought,
“Only not as good.”

So much for this famous and popular frothy pink
concoction.

I considered eating something ethnic for dinner
and stopped at a Chinese restaurant, but when I
saw “squid guts” on the menu, that was enough for
me and I bolted over to a French delicatessen and
had a hot dog wrapped in a crescent roll—-a
“safe” choice for my crudely Americanized
palate.

In the meantime, Laen was out getting a Chinese
massage. He said it was really painful and he had
trouble getting out of bed the next morning due to
the stiffness and pain, but seemed satisfied that
the massage had been beneficial.

I’m not into pain all the much. I was happy with
my visit to the bird park and my hot dog, after
which I went for a lovely swim in the hotel pool
and collapsed after a long day in the equatorial
heat.

A second night in Singapore, an early morning
departure to Tokyo, next day home to the U.S. and
we were done!

Now, wasn’t that easy?

Until Next Time,
Maintain Airpseed!
Cap’n Meryl